A few years ago, I was absolutely horrified as I passed a garden in Yorkshire. Not by the gardens location per se. I understand that some things must exist in Yorkshire, even if I don’t believe the half of it. No, it was the ornamentation around the garden that shocked me. The homeowner had around the garden fence, in the manner of a gamekeeper warning off birds of prey, nailed by their little pointed hats, a legion of gnomes.

I have always considered myself a gnome rights activist. I’m certainly not prejudiced against gnomes. Heck, some of my best friends are gnomes. However, we cannot ignore the creeping menace that the spread of gnomekind now presents. The open borders we share with Fairyland have led to unregulated immigration of gnomes, and now, apparently, people are being attacked in their beds by gnomes.

A close friend had seen my growing fascination with gnomes. She had seen that, despite not being a card carrying member of the Gnome Liberation Fraternity, my leanings were certainly pointed in that direction. And so, she took it upon herself to educate me by purchasing for me this book.

Let me tell you – It was an eye-opening experience. I hadn’t realised how many people were attacked by gnomes in their own home every year. I hadn’t realised the damage that the little buggers can do. And I certainly hadn’t realised how inadvisable it was to deploy landmines against them.

Faced with all these terrifying facts and figures, along with some appalling first hand experiences of gnome attacks, I am now planning to completely gnomeproof my house. I am also purchasing a hockey stick at the next available juncture.

Do any of your loved ones have an infestation of gnomes in their garden? Warn them! Let them know of the dangers, and ensure that they are well educated in the arts of anti-gnome warfare. Do not let them walk unwarned into such danger! Ensure that they know how to put an end to the gnomish menace, and that they are well versed in how to dispose of the little gnomish bodies afterwards.

Train yourself up in gnome tactics, in how to face a gnome pack, unarmed but for a packet of diatomaceous earth. LEarn how to dig your own fortifications against the terrifying gnomish horde, before they invade and take the lives of you and your children. Learn how to tell if the gnomes are communicating with each other, planning to make their attack.

This book has changed my life. I plan to henceforth write immediately to the Gnome Liberation Front and other such organisations, demanding that they put an end to their propaganda, portraying all gnomes as a downtrodden race. I will demand that they face up to the very real threat of gnome invasions and attacks in people’s own houses. I will ensure that everyone I know is properly educated in how to combat this real and present danger.

Now at last, I understand that garden I saw in Yorkshire. These were a warning to future gnome invaders. This is what happens to your ilk. We will not take any more of your violence. We are a house prepared for the invasion. Because this is one of the greatest threats our country faces in these dark days. Gnomes are hellbent on your destruction. They are in your kitchen and utility room, stealing your knives and tools in order to use them against you. They are casing the house, learning your weak points, and sharing them amongst each other. They will stop at nothing.